i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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