jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
