There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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