I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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