shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
