But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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