She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
