dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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