Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
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The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
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I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?