How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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