There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
