I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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