you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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