of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
