I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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