there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
