Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
