I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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