3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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