why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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