I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
