I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
