the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
