Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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