So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
