Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
