i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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