thus making me awesome and them whores
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
