He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
