Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
