Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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