PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
