Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
