Welp...herpes.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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