her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
