literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We got so high we made milksteak
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
