I've blown a few things in my day
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
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Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
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It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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