My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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