The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
