the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
And then my night got REAL pukey
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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