I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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