When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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