I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
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Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
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You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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