your parents love me but you hate me
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
