You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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