i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
