Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
