So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
