apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Everclear isn't food dammit
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
