after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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