Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just puked most of my soul out..
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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