bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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