Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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