I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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