Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
