I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
