yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
