Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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