your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
